Nobody Told Me Sex Would Be So Terrifying

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Nobody ever told me sex would be so…terrifying.

Growing up, sex was always this kind of mystical idea. A strange ritual that, as a boy, I wanted to take part in and yet had no idea why I wanted to take part in it.

All those teenage hormones swirling in the black cauldron of my brain, casting odd bodily spells on a whim.

Then came high school sex ed. Although we called it “Health” class at the time. They did their best to paint sex as terrifying, although it swirled around catching STDs more than the actual physical activity.

Did you ever have to give a presentation on sexually transmitted diseases like I did? Researching visuals for genital warts on the old dial-up Internet was almost as awkward as my dad walking in on me researching visuals for genital warts on the old dial-up Internet.

As I said, nobody told me sex would be so terrifying.

I lost my virginity at the high school prom. I know, I know, total cliché.

Although my cliché included a Tom & Jerry cartoon playing in the background somewhere.

We didn’t use a condom.

Why?

Because I didn’t know what I was doing and I was (am) an idiot.