Nobody ever told me sex would be so…terrifying.
Growing up, sex was always this kind of mystical idea. A strange ritual that, as a boy, I wanted to take part in and yet had no idea why I wanted to take part in it.
All those teenage hormones swirling in the black cauldron of my brain, casting odd bodily spells on a whim.
Then came high school sex ed. Although we called it “Health” class at the time. They did their best to paint sex as terrifying, although it swirled around catching STDs more than the actual physical activity.
Did you ever have to give a presentation on sexually transmitted diseases like I did? Researching visuals for genital warts on the old dial-up Internet was almost as awkward as my dad walking in on me researching visuals for genital warts on the old dial-up Internet.
As I said, nobody told me sex would be so terrifying.
I lost my virginity at the high school prom. I know, I know, total cliché.
Although my cliché included a Tom & Jerry cartoon playing in the background somewhere.
We didn’t use a condom.
Because I didn’t know what I was doing and I was (am) an idiot.
Thankfully she was on her period.
Life could be much much different had prom been the following weekend.
Like I said, terrifying. So utterly terrifying.
And now, 15 years after that first time, things haven’t exactly become less frightening.
Had a woman tell me she liked being choked.
Okay, yeah I’ve heard that one. So a little pressure. Got it.
No, like choked until she passed out and had to be resuscitated choked.
I’m going to need bedside waivers or video testimonials.
Because I’ve seen that Dateline episode before.
And if Dateline is making an episode about your life you know you’ve royally screwed up somewhere.
But hey, I get it. Everyone is into their own things.
There have been women super into toys.
Some of which I could swear I’ve seen in Medieval torture chambers.
“I put that where now?”
Hold on. I need to make sure my final will and testament is up to date.
I guess being an adult is in itself rather frightening. Nothing goes as planned. But it’s not mundane. That’s for sure. Which means the sex shouldn’t be mundane either.
Just nobody told me it would be so terrifying.